When I was younger, more naive, and slightly thinner, I used to think of every break up as an exciting new chapter in my adult life. Like a kitten licking her wounds, I would heal my little broken heart or talk myself out of the guilt of breaking someone else's by assuring myself that this just meant that I was *that much* closer to meeting the perfect guy. That everything up until the moment I met *that guy* and spent the rest of my quirky comedy-esque life with him was just the back story...just molding me more into the person that would so perfectly fit that particular guy who would present himself to me at the exact moment I was ready for it.
I tried doing that today. It didn't work.
I just ended things with the guy I'd been dating since New Years Eve. He was cool and cute, but I found myself wanting to be alone a lot. The truth is, I'm happy being alone. I don't like having to consider someone else's feelings right now. My best girl friend is my confidant and makes me laugh like a goon. My cats greet me happily when I come home and cuddle up to me at night. My sister is always a phone call away on the rare occasions I need to cry to someone about some petty thing. I haven't felt the pangs of loneliness in so long...years maybe?
Have I become a cynic? Jaded? Depressed? No, I don't think so. I think I'm just a realist now that I'm older, wiser, and ten pounds heavier. Every movie I see where there's a couple that's unhappy and bickering (including Paranormal Activity...because that couple was seriously fucking annoying), or every mom blog I read where there's a complaint about a lazy husband (no matter how in-jest the complaint is), I think to myself "thank fucking god I'm single".
I don't want to be a single girl stereotype. I can't think of one reason to pity myself, and being lucky enough not to be trapped in a relationship that I'm not happy with would be a dumb place to start. I just can't, for the life of me, think of a good reason to be in a relationship right now.
Have you ever felt this way? What changed it? Or do you STILL feel that way? I feel like this is some weird revelation that's going to make me a much happier person...until I'm 40 and alone and wishing I had married a nice but boring dude whom I didn't even give a chance in my 20's.
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19 comments:
i am a spinster 4 lyfe.
My life is basically awesome, except I don't have someone to make out with on a regular basis.* The fact that this is the only thing wrong with my life should theoretically mean that I oughta work harder to fix it, but I haven't been. Is this laziness, or contentment? I've been asking myself this and I have no idea; I choose to believe the latter.
* Which, aside from all the feelings, strikes me as one of the main advantages of being in a relationship.
Girl, I completely feel you on this. Even though I'm not really single anymore, I guess I haven't let the whole "not single" feeling set in. And it took me a long fucking time to get to the place you're talking about, where you are content being single and happy when you are alone. In fact, being alone these days is so fucking RARE, I feel like an asshole when I don't want to be around anybody. And it's nothing against them. I'm lucky to not be deep into this relationship I guess? Taking it easy. But I think it applies for all relationships, not just romantic ones. But I'm happy for you. As far as having (or not having, in my case) a reason to be in a relationship, I'm not sure that's ever really the case. The reasons come and go. You like someone or you don't. It's relatively simple. It's different from person to person. I think most of the time shit that isn't complicated seems like it because it's too easy. People don't overanalyze friendships like that. The only difference is that you don't have sex with your friends (well, I guess that varies but you know what I mean, right?).
Okay, I've never left a comment this long. I just wanted to say hi, and I feel you on this, and we should hang out again soon.
I used to be the same way. Break ups never bothered me. In fact, I couldn't wait to get out of them as soon as quickly as I got into them. I liked being with my friends, or alone, more then with them. Then one day, I met someone I fell head over heals for. I fought it at first, because I loved being single. Then I found myself wanting to spend every second with them. We were best friends! WEIRD! But, then he ended it. Now, I miss what I had, more then I ever thought I would.
Moral of the story- HAVE FUN, STAY SINGLE!
I completely feel you on this one. I read a quote one day that pretty much summed it up. The basic idea was that a lot of people assume that people are only single because they are missing something that would allow them to be in a relationship - that they don't know something that all those couples do. But truly I think some of the people that know the MOST about relationships are single, because they've finally realized that it's better to be single than in a bad relationship. I don't want to settle just to have a boyfriend. i cherish my free time and love myself. I love being able to hang out with my friends and my sister too and flirt with no guilt and just be open and have fun. Also, if you really had strong feelings for this guy and he was worth your time, you would've stuck around. Don't settle. It's lame ;)
I don't know, I feel pretty comfortable with things as they have been, with a special guy friend to bunk up with and run around with, but not having "plans" is what is weirding me out. I guess I'm supposed to want to get married (again? no thanks), or move in with him (mmm, kinda liking my space), or ... have babies? I'm supposed to want that, but I don't. It's not completely alone, but it is sort of a vague compromise.
And stop worrying about your weight, babydoll, you're fackin' gadgess 'n shit.
(Also, my feelings on this are changing by the hour, now that I'm almost THIRTY-FIVE!!!!!!! Sometimes I irrationally just want that mythical, amazing connection, that missing piece, that perfect complement to come along and recognize me. But I think it might not ever actually happen that way. In the meantime, I have work to do.)
I sooooo get you on this. Why be in a freaking relationship with someone that really just makes you want to be alone? You should be with someone that you want to give up alone time for! Otherwise, what's the freaking point? Which is probably what you realized with that guy.
I too like my single life. Like the other poster I would like someone to make out with on a regular basis, but if I can accomplish that without being in a relationship, all the better. I think the point at which you are happy with you and your life the way it is is the perfect place to be emotionally for when you do meet that right person. And if you settle, you won't have the space to let that person in.
acknowledging changes in your body (particularly when those changes are symbolic of the passage of time) is not the same thing as "worrying about your weight."
I have done EXACTLY that. In fact, I wrote about it in my blog a few weeks ago: http://bluehillstead.blogspot.com/2010/01/more-wayback.html
Choices not taken when I was in my 20s....
Now I'm 44, divorced and completely happy being single (mostly). I've ended a few dating gigs in the past year when I realized how weak the partnership was when compared to being alone. My dogs and cats are much more supportive than most peeps. There's gotta be a secret that all these stunningly happy and well adjusted SINGLE older women know that we're just beginning to see the edges of.
When I was younger it was hard for me to be single. All my friends were in relationships, getting married blah blah blah. But once I got more comfortable with myself I was cool with being single. I can do what I want, and that's one of the most important things.
But if you would rather be alone than be with the dude...don't worry about it.
Break-ups suck, but I think it's worse to be with someone who doesn't excite you. Being single can be great because you have the opportunity to focus on yourself and what makes you happy.
I'm in a relationship and all I can say is that I far prefer having sex twice a day to not having sex twice a day.
i completely understand where you are coming from -- i never ever wanted to get married. the thought of commitment made me freak the fuck out! but then, i met my husband -- and he loves me for all of the dumb shit i do and lets me be myself and i do the same for him. that is not to say that it is not work to be married and be in a relationship, but i feel so lucky that i have him -- and we both look at it as a choice that we are together rather than feeling like we HAVE to be together because everyone should get married. so, what changed how i felt was the right person for me. i definitely don't think everyone has to have someone, or if you have someone you have to get married or be in a conventional relationship at all.
Did the possibility/probability of the other party reading this effect the writing of it? If so, how?
A gangbusters topic for another posting. This new internet thing raises all sorts of questions.
Sounds like you're in a good place; you can always find a boring person later in life, what with the ample supply.
Charming Op Ivy cover disc
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You're a wise woman- more so than you can probably realize now. Being married doesn't guarantee sex when you want it or really anything except a huge emotional committment that you may come to regret. It's not easy to walk away from once there are kids involved. Do you sacrifice your happiness for their stability or vice versa? Theoretically, of course...
I have felt that way... actually after I had a girlfriend who made me realize that being alone was often one of my favorite things... What changed it was that I met a girl who I considered to be entirely out of my league, whom I love to be around whenever I can... and who wants to be around me whenever she can as well. A girl who makes all the stress and anger and annoyance of being in a relationship worth while. It's no fairy tale. It's real and difficult life, and the best agony I could think of.
Hey I am that guy who you never gave a chance to when you were in your 20s, and I'm still waiting my turn to be given a chance...
Yes! Your blog makes so much sense to me. I am 20 years old and I can't think of a reason to be tied down in a relationship for the life of me! I see examples of poor, poor relationships and I think to myself "Is is what love as come to?" I get what you mean when you say you're thankful you're single whenever you witness a relationship problem.
Being single is great! You get to have an open-mind, you get to be free, you get to love and hate without guilt. Although relationships has it's advantages, there's always a beauty in loneliness. Everyone should experience it and embrace it at least once in their lives.
One day, when you find the right person, you will have all the reason to be in a relationship. :)
www.kathinguyen.blogspot.com
This is all happening because you got a second cat. Crazy cat lady!
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