...but then sometimes you find yourself in those situations where the nicest thing you can think of would be to being in the company of someone who cares about you the way only a person you're in a relationship with can. Take yesterday for example. I had just donated blood for a friend's blood drive and was resting on the couch of the office that was sponsoring the drive. The giving blood part was fine, I joked with the nurses and it only took a few minutes. It was the aftermath that was the problem.
I felt woozy and the world started to go white as soon as I stepped off the bus where the Red Cross had set up shop. Luckily a friend was nearby and took care of me. As I came-to in that office, alone on an unfamiliar couch while the early afternoon breeze and faint traffic sounds wafted through the window, I thought of how perfect it would be to have a nice smelling, familiar shoulder to lean into at that moment. To have someone gently stroke my head as my nausea subsided, and make a joke about how I just deterred everyone driving by the Red Cross van from ever giving blood by vomiting right there on the side walk (true story).
Just to be around someone who loved me, who thought I was special and beautiful and with whom I'd shared enough lovely moments and side splitting laughter with to make us seem like a team...to have that level of comfort and trust with someone again.
I ended things with someone not to long ago without ever really giving him a chance. He was sweet and funny and seemed to have his shit together, and the couple times we hung out were splendid. But I freaked out and ended things abruptly...I wasn't even aware I was going to end things, I just did. I told him that he probably had dodged a bullet, and I wasn't kidding.
I don't know what it is in me that gets nervous at any sign of a functional relationship, but I'm guessing it's related to the thing that attracts me to the less than emotionally available and relationship-ready dudes I tend to have short but dramatic and intense flings with. It's so much easier to be with someone when the decision to not be serious with them is already made by the fact that they are in no way ready for a serious relationship.
I see a dude who has his shit together and I think "a house, marriage, babies...oh fuck, I'm so not ready for that" and I hightail it. It's not even that I don't want those things, I do, just so off in the future that I can't even begin to take them seriously. And those of you who commented that it'll be different when I meet someone I'm crazy about are SO right, I know, it's just that I'm nervous that I'll be so emotionally drained by then that I won't even recognize it until it's too late. I've met ones that I've been SO crazy about, and look where that's gotten me. I've been thinking a lot about my last post, and all the comments you guys left (thank you!). When I go back and read the post, I notice a defensive tone, and I can't overlook it. The last thing I want to become is jaded
I became a first-time aunt this weekend. Little Micah Gabriel Hardstark is so cute he looks like a porcelain doll, and my heart almost explodes even when I just think about him. My lovely sister in law went through days of painful labor for him, and when it was all over, she was smiling happily. When I went to meet my nephew for the first time, my big brother was so happy.
He crawled into the hospital bed next to his wife and they clasped hands and talked with smiles on their faces. They've been together for seven years and their love and compatibility is palpable. I can't say I don't want that too, I'd be lying. I've put up so many defenses just to shield myself from ever having to go through a painful break-up again, and I can't even tell what I'm defending myself from anymore. I'm not saying I'm not still happy being single, I am, I just don't think I should be so damn proud of myself for it.