I felt woozy and the world started to go white as soon as I stepped off the bus where the Red Cross had set up shop. Luckily a friend was nearby and took care of me. As I came-to in that office, alone on an unfamiliar couch while the early afternoon breeze and faint traffic sounds wafted through the window, I thought of how perfect it would be to have a nice smelling, familiar shoulder to lean into at that moment. To have someone gently stroke my head as my nausea subsided, and make a joke about how I just deterred everyone driving by the Red Cross van from ever giving blood by vomiting right there on the side walk (true story).
Just to be around someone who loved me, who thought I was special and beautiful and with whom I'd shared enough lovely moments and side splitting laughter with to make us seem like a team...to have that level of comfort and trust with someone again.
I ended things with someone not to long ago without ever really giving him a chance. He was sweet and funny and seemed to have his shit together, and the couple times we hung out were splendid. But I freaked out and ended things abruptly...I wasn't even aware I was going to end things, I just did. I told him that he probably had dodged a bullet, and I wasn't kidding.
I don't know what it is in me that gets nervous at any sign of a functional relationship, but I'm guessing it's related to the thing that attracts me to the less than emotionally available and relationship-ready dudes I tend to have short but dramatic and intense flings with. It's so much easier to be with someone when the decision to not be serious with them is already made by the fact that they are in no way ready for a serious relationship.
I see a dude who has his shit together and I think "a house, marriage, babies...oh fuck, I'm so not ready for that" and I hightail it. It's not even that I don't want those things, I do, just so off in the future that I can't even begin to take them seriously. And those of you who commented that it'll be different when I meet someone I'm crazy about are SO right, I know, it's just that I'm nervous that I'll be so emotionally drained by then that I won't even recognize it until it's too late. I've met ones that I've been SO crazy about, and look where that's gotten me. I've been thinking a lot about my last post, and all the comments you guys left (thank you!). When I go back and read the post, I notice a defensive tone, and I can't overlook it. The last thing I want to become is jaded
I became a first-time aunt this weekend. Little Micah Gabriel Hardstark is so cute he looks like a porcelain doll, and my heart almost explodes even when I just think about him. My lovely sister in law went through days of painful labor for him, and when it was all over, she was smiling happily. When I went to meet my nephew for the first time, my big brother was so happy.
He crawled into the hospital bed next to his wife and they clasped hands and talked with smiles on their faces. They've been together for seven years and their love and compatibility is palpable. I can't say I don't want that too, I'd be lying. I've put up so many defenses just to shield myself from ever having to go through a painful break-up again, and I can't even tell what I'm defending myself from anymore. I'm not saying I'm not still happy being single, I am, I just don't think I should be so damn proud of myself for it.
8 comments:
*heart melts*
I've said it before and I'll say it again... I think you just feel differently when you meet the right person. Whatever you thought or felt you wanted just... disappears. IMHO.
A ray of hope, nonetheless. ;-)
Oh, man. I read your last post, and was thinking "but then there's the flip side..." And this is that flip side. Ungh.
SuperBowl Sunday being my (murmlemurmle) anniversary of singledom (and the date being what it is, it's hard to avoid), this is all at the forefront for me right now. All the more so because since my dad died, my mom is on her own, and since I'm single and down the road, using each other as one's go-to is sorta handy, but no less depressing for however reasonable it is. All the more so when the saleslady at Banana invites you to sit in the comfy chair to wait for your "girlfriend" while she's trying on stuff. Kill me the fuck NOW.
But yeah. Good times and bad times. My problem is now that my singledom has got me in such a rut that I can't imagine getting out of it. The habits are so entrenched that were someone to come along, I would really have to be knocked sideways to even notice. That's the danger. So, uh, don't let it get that far, I guess is what I'm saying.
Anyway, best of luck and all that. But knowing you, I have no doubt that someone will come along before too long and things will work out just fine.
And congrats on the auntiehood!
as jaded and hatey and brick-walled i have become through bad relationships, i found out that when you stop looking for love, it lands on your doorstep. you may be super scared and not ready, but being in the relationship will help you learn to become ready. i have been with my man for 7 years, and we are getting married in september. (i am the slow-relationshipper, who was/is super not ready for commitment, not him) i still dont think i am ready. i am still scared and want to run and hide and not be responsible.
but sometimes you just gotta leap off the ledge and trust that you will be ok.
i am still working on that part, but it will come. no pressure.
take care, and trust that the world will unfold for you as it should, when it should. enjoy the journey :)
i would argue that the point you made in the last post and your insights about your nephew & his parents aren't contradictory. the phenomenon of people being happy being together and that of people being happy being single have more in common in a lot of ways that they have differences.
maybe i want to think that because i've been more or less constantly single for kind of a long time, but then when i was a serial monogamist in my twenties i was always sort of ashamed of myself that i'd never succeeded at being single. it seemed like i should do one thing before i give myself credit for doing the opposite. and i still feel that way.
without sounding way too new-agey, i really think the path will always present itself....if and when things are supposed to be, they will be. it sounds like you are truly happy where you are, you can see there are other possibilities to be happy, and that is cool, too.
it also sounds like you are coming from a very similar place i was. i thought i had way too much baggage and too much crap that it just would never happen, but as i said, it did and i am really happy. :)
congrats on the little man!
being in love is the best thing that ever happened to me. i actually thought i always wanted to be single and now i don't know what i was thinking. my life is SO. MUCH. BETTER. and infinitely more fun. i had no idea.
I've been thinking about your last post so much and I'm inclined to believe that when you've been disappointed you tend to become a little harder.
But I also think that love requires two elements for it to be right. Right person at the right time. Sometimes we meet the right person but its not the right time. Sometimes its the right time but not the right person. When you've got them both, then I don't think any of your fears (or mine) will stop us.
"When I was a young man I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her but, alas, she was waiting for the ideal man." -- Alain
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