Past, Present, Future

Sometimes I feel too young to already have a past. Sure I have my childhood and all the stories that I've accumulated since then - the deaths, births, heartbreak and joy. But sometimes that feels like it's just an accumulation of emotions, so that one day, when I reach a certain point, I'll be ready to face my REAL future with maturity.

But then I watch videos like this time lapse one of San Francisco, and I think to myself "I had a life there once." It's my past now. Three and a half years of my life that I'll never experience again. It was three and a half years spent in a city that was new to me, with a man who I'll never know so intimately again, and his child who will never be my stepdaughter, as I used to wish so hard that she would become.

There are so many things I've been wanting to blog about this week, but my thoughts just won't get straight in my head. I want to tell you about all the exciting things that have been happening since we posted our McNuggetini video on You Tube, but I can't let myself voice them yet.

I want to write about my camping trip with my dad, and tell you about what it's like to be the product of a divorce, but I don't have the right prose for that yet.

I want to show you photos of my apartment - of the joy it brings me as I fix it up and make it my home - but the photos just aren't turning out quite right - they aren't showing what I see when I look around at the place, and picture it in my mind.

I wish I could tell you all about the guy I've been dating for the past couple months, but even I don't know what to say about that yet - I'm happy when I'm around him though, I can tell you that much.

I'll get to all that though. Just please know that I'm itching to tell you all about how exciting everything has been, and to tell you the stories about my life that make up my past, but have also made me into the person who can't wait for her future. So be patient with me.

Photos by '>the awesome Lou O'Bedlam.

Domestic Tuesdays - The Recession Goes Domestic

When I posted last week about being kinda in the hole with my finances and how much it embarrassed me, so many of you commented that you were in the same situation. I also go SO MUCH advice and great tips that I'm sure will help me get my bank account out of the negatives (yes, I was overdrawn again this month...sigh). Since so many of you admitted to being unable to save money too, I thought I'd give some of my own advice when it comes to curbing back spending, as I'm actually not totally brain damaged when it comes to cutting corners and not spending an entire paycheck in one fail swoop.

For me, that area of expertise is packing a healthy breakfast and lunch for work instead of eating out. Sure, it's not brain surgery, but it's something that I've noticed a lot of people in my office avoid. Personally, the thought of spending money on a "meh" lunch or even a pretty good one during the hour allotted to me in the middle of my eight hour work-day seems like such a waste. In fact, I almost always refuse to buy anything, even on those days I've forgotten my lunch. Bringing a healthy lunch to work increases my happiness twofold: I'm saving money, and eating healthy - this way, I don't feel [as] guilty when I order that bacon cheeseburger when I go out with a friend to dinner. Problem solved!

So for this week's Domestic Tuesday, I'd like to show you what's in my lunchbox today. I have to be at work by 8 a.m. everyday (oh the humanity!!!), so I bring my breakfast to work, too, as I am in no way a morning person, and getting up early to eat breakfast would take more willpower than I have at this point in my life.

My favorite breakfast lately is plain yogurt, berries, flax seed oil, and granola. I don't like buying individual tubs of yogurt because they're a lot more expensive than buying a large container and then just separating it out into tupperware (plus most of the brand names have high fructose corn syrup in them). Fresh berries are great, but mine always end up going bad before I can use them all, so I like getting frozen. My favorite granola is Maple Pecan from Trader Joe's, but this Pumpkin Spice was cheaper so I grabbed a bag of that this time.

I throw the yogurt and berries into a Tupperware with about a tablespoon of flax seed oil (it's SO good for you!), and then put the granola in a bag to mix in once I get to work. It's yummy, filling, and healthy.

For lunch, I usually make a big pot of something like chili or penne with sausage and eat it throughout the week, but I'm trying to eat a little lighter. I started with a package of whole wheat lavash bread, but you could use pita or a tortilla. Instead of using fattening mayonnaise (which I'm not a fan of anyways), I bought some white bean and basil hummus, and spread that on thick.

At my local ethnic market, sliced turkey was $2.99 a pound. I always buy freshly sliced meats and cheese from the deli counter at the store. It's usually cheaper than buying the prepackaged kinds, and you can order only as much as you need (being a single girl living alone, this helps a lot).

Next, veggies! I used red pepper, tomatoes, and red leaf lettuce, with some fresh cracked pepper on top.

Next, wrap that fucker up!

I am a HUGE snacker. I eat a little something about every two hours, and NEVER let myself get hungry. I've always been this way, and I've always been thin...just sayin'! Aside from the turkey wrap and granola/yogurt is a fig bar, an apple (which I love to eat with a string cheese), a bag of prunes (don't judge!), and three (yes, three) dark chocolate covered pretzels for that inevitable afternoon sweet craving I always have.

Bringing your lunch can get boring, so it helps to have a cute bag to make it more exciting. And yes, that's a Red Bull cola. What can I say? Coffee and tea don't do it for me anymore.

Scene from today's lunch break.

Scene from today's "Scenes From My Lunch Break"

(can we laugh real quick about how many tries it took me to get this photo correct using the automatic timer on my camera, and how many up-skirt shots I ended up with as I bent over to sit down??? There was a homeless man watching bemusedly the entire time.)

What's your favorite money-saving tip?!

Scenes From A Not Broken Camera

I dropped my nice digital camera a couple weeks back, and I have yet to send it in to be repaired. In the mean time, my generous friend Alie has lent me an older camera of hers to use, but I only bought a card reader for it this past weekend, so there were a ton of photos on the camera. Here are the photos:

I went to San Francisco for the weekend and was really nervous about it, having only gone back twice since I moved away. There are still so many places that hold strong memories for me, and I'm nothing if not nostalgic. I ended up having an amazing time though, and it felt like I sorta made peace with the city, for as lame as that sounds. I love it there, but I was so happy to come home to my Los Angeles.

The weekend was particularly sunny and warm, so we grabbed ton of cheese and fruit, a couple beers, and wasted the day in Dolores Park - people watching and talking. It was lovely.

I got to visit with my ex boyfriend's daughter, whom I met when she was just a little girl. I can't believe how grown-up she is now! I had to stand on my very tip-toes just to be the same height as her. She's a lovely young lady and I'm so glad she's still in my life.

The view from my friend Becky's house, overlooking the Sunset district. I crashed on Becky's couch after a night spent drinking at a gay bar, and woke up to her two adorable kittens playing on top of me. That was a good way to wake up.

I had my obligatory cappuccino It's It, although I must admit it's not as thrilling now that we here in Los Angeles can get them (albeit only vanilla) at any Albertsons grocery store.

I came home to find my friend's cat visiting me and Elvis for a couple days while my friend was out of town. He's kind of a brat, but a charming kitty, nonetheless.

He's no match for this fellow, though.

A couple of Scenes From My Lunch Break

My first honest-to-goodness Korean barbecue experience. It was beyond words.

It was my sister's birthday yesterday and she celebrated by throwing a cupcake and champagne party. Don't you just love her dress?!

She baked ALL these cupcakes, aside from the small ones which I bought, my plans to make vanilla cupcakes with salted caramel frosting having been thwarted by a hangover.

Happy Birthday, Lee Lee!

I got to hang out with my brother and his adorably pregnant fiance. They're such a cute couple.

I felt the baby kick! It was freaky! Really though, I can't wait to be Auntie Georgia. Oh, I also cut all my hair off, my decree of "No Haircut in '09" falling by the wayside after I realized that long hair made me look like a soccer mom.

Return of the cute haircut.

Finally, please follow this link to You Tube, where you'll find the finished McNuggetini video. That's right, we made a video. Watch as we guide you through the step-by-step process for making our most famous concoction: the legendary McNuggetini cocktail! Enjoy!

P.S. Thank you SO much for all your wonderful comments and excellent money advice in my last post. You guys really are the kewlest, nicest readers a girl could ask for.

Overdrawn

I've been having some, well, difficulties with money lately...and when I say "lately", what I really mean is "my entire adult life". It's an embarrassing thing to discuss, especially with people I'm not close to, because it makes me feel like such a failure to be twenty freaking nine and still have an overdrawn checking account somewhat regularly (at least lately). Shouldn't I have this shit figured out by now? Shouldn't I have even a LITTLE bit of savings tucked away in case of emergency?? Doesn't everyone else???

I guess that's part of my problem - the whole "I SHOULD be able to do this" thing. The fact is, I have a good job in that it's steady work and pays relatively well - compared to my expenditures (yay cheap rent!). I don't have a school loan to pay off (yay dropping out of college!) or much in the way of credit card debt, so technically, this few-days-before-I-get-paid almost overdrawn freak-out I have every month should be able to be avoided. Somehow though, especially in the past few months, I've gotten into the habit of spending my entire paycheck days before I get my next. It's scary. It's depressing. I don't want to be like this.

But it's always something though, ya know? Rent needs to be paid, so there goes a big chunk of one paycheck. The next paycheck should be mine to save (or spend...no, save) but I didn't pay my phone bill last month because I was broke so I have to pay that x's 2...and, oh shit, I have NO food in the house because I've been avoiding Trader Joe's like the plague because I don't want to spend money, but that just means I have nothing to bring to work for lunch, so I've been spending money on take-out, so I do a Trader Joe's trip and end up dropping like eighty bucks. I need to go to Target for my prescription, and pick up some trivialities that end up totalling almost a hundred bucks, somehow.

Ugh. I don't want to live like this. I want to save money, I want to have a cushy pillow in my bank account "just in case". I've done it before, in fact it used to be my norm, so why is it proving to be so difficult lately? I can't pinpoint what's changed, but I'm guessing it's my attitude towards spending. I have a hard time saying "no" or "I can't afford it right now" to both my friends and myself. I know the tips and tricks for going out and still saving money, but I have a hard time being okay with needing to do that every time I go out. I shouldn't have to. I don't wake up at 7 a.m. every morning and spend my entire day in an office so that I can bring a flask with me to a bar.

Sorry to sound complainy. I know I'm lucky to have the things I do, and that my problems are insanely trivial compared to many. But I guess that's the most frustrating part about it: I have opportunities, good luck, and knowledge...so why is it that I STILL can't get my shit together???

Tell me, how to do you save money? Any tips on how to change bad spending habits?

Deal?

I woke up last night somewhere around 3 a.m. with a purring cat on my chest. Half awake, I padded to the bathroom for a middle-of-the-night pee and marveled at how much the sound of my slippers shuffling against the hardwood floor mirrored the sound my mother makes when she does her own late-night slipper shuffle. Another begrudged tick on the "how I'm like my mother" list. After I had curled back into bed and the aforementioned cat had once again cozied himself against my body (much to my contentment), my mind started wandering - half awake and half in dreamland.

This is a normal occurrence for me - these late night, somewhat insomniatic fantasies. Last night I imagined that I was on the game show Deal or No Deal. This isn't a dream I'm telling you about, lest you think I'm one of those annoying people who thinks anyone is interested in her dreams (I know that the only time anyone wants to hear about someone else's dreams is when it's about them, or there's naked people involved), but what I'm speaking of are more like daydreams,with some misfiring neurons due to recent REM sleep thrown in for good measure.

Anyway, Deal or No Deal. I was wearing my yellow blouse with the ruffled bib and a high waisted skirt in navy blue. I looked adorable, and my family and friends cheered me on from the audience as I had to decide between the remaining two suitcases, one containing a million dollars or something (the number kept changing) and the other a paltry amount. I don't remember what I chose, but I fell asleep thinking that first thing in the morning, I needed to figure out how to register to be a contestant on this game show.

When I got to work this morning I remember that there had been something I wanted to do. What was it??? I knew I had to finish watching this week's episode of The Biggest Loser (a show I just started watching and am totally enthralled with) and that it had been painfully long since I posted a blog entry, a thought which came with the familiar overwhelming guilt I've come so accustomed to in my writing career...but there was something else. Oh yes! I wanted to...sign up...for...Deal or No Deal??? What the fuck? I've watched that show like twice in my entire life, and why the hell would I even get on it if I had the patience to register myself for it?!

Anyway, the point of this story is that they're not casting for Deal or No Deal right now, so I'll have to think of another way to become rich and fulfill my middle of the night fantasies. Or I could just gain 200 pounds and get on The Biggest Loser. Man that's a good show.

What's your most random fantasy?

Honest Scrap

The lovely LBN over at I'm Just Saying was sweet enough to gift me with an Honest Scrap award for my last post which, from what I can tell, is just a way to get me to spill ten secrets about myself. But, seeing how she is a long-time reader, regular commenter, and all around great gal (and hell, I'm running very thin on blog topics these days anyway) I'll indulge...with six secrets.

1. I have a bit of a clothes shopping addiction. I can almost guarantee that I have more clothes than you, and that's not something I'm bragging about as much as admitting as a fault of mine. I am quite proud of my wardrobe though, as it consists mostly of lucky thrift store and estate sale finds mixed with children's-section Target finds, and off-the-rack Forever 21 purchases that you'd almost never guess were sweat-shop made. I also have that annoying habit of responding to a outfit complement by divulging the price of whatever item in question by exclaiming something along the lines of "Oh this dress?? Paid FOUR bucks for it at a thrift store in Burbank!"

My closet:

2. I blame this quirk of mine on my mother, although she can blame it on her own, too...actually, this tradition may have even started in the old country, for all I know. The mothers of my family, when taking their child to pee, would always make this noise to hurry it up. It's supposed to mimic the sound of water running, although why they didn't just turn the damn water on, I'll never know.

"Pssh pssh pssh," in rapid secession. Anyway, the point is that noise got ingrained in my psyche, and I'm unable to pee, even when I HAVE. TO. go, without making that noise under my breath. It's embarrassing, but I can almost guarantee I'll pass it along to my kids, should I ever have any.

3. I dropped my new camera the other night and I think it's broken. Okay, I KNOW it's broken. I CAN NOT be trusted with electronics and other niceties.

4. I once fed sand to a baby.

5. Sometimes...oftentimes, actually, I'll happen upon a menu for a restaurant via some food blogger and even if the restaurant is halfway across the country, or even around the world, I'll take a few minutes and read (i.e. drool) over the menu and pick out what I'd order if I were there.

This morning I did it with Shake Shack via Smitten Kitchen even though I have less than no plans to visit New York anytime soon (I'd order a 'shroom burger and cheese fries, fyi). Have I ever told you that I'm astounded that I'm not fat?

6. Whew...okay, this one is something I'm afraid to admit, but I might as well just put it out there so you know the type of person you're dealing with. Let me start by telling you that I have a bit of an obsession with all things olfactory - I have since I was a baby. I used to walk around with my thumb in my mouth and my yellow "blankie" that was knit by my grandmother jammed to my nose between my free fingers so I could sniff all the lovely odours that accumulated on the well-worn blanket. My mom had to pry it from my fingers while I slept just to wash it.

Although Blankie has been retired to a cozy spot in my closet, my obsession with scents continue. I involuntarily inhale strangers as they walk past me, as I find people's distinct scents to be so telling. And finally, a confession that I admit to very, very few people: the smell of my cat's breath is one of the most comforting things to me. When he yawns, I inhale with great gusto, taking comfort in the familiar stench of his cat-breath. There, I said it.

Okay, your turn. One very honest thing about yourself, please!