Blog Carnival: Looking Back

This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers (that's you)! The topic is "Looking Back", and we're to "pick a post from your first 2 months in blog-land that shows your mentality and outlook from the onset of your blog."

"I'll Build A House Inside You, I'll Go In Through The Mouth" - Wolf Parade

A little over five years ago I ran away from Los Angeles for the weekend and went to San Francisco by myself. It was a spur of the moment decision, I needed to get away and clear my head. I left about two hours after I decided to go, and called all the necessary people on the road.

I didn't know anyone in San Francisco; I hadn't been there since I was 16, and never by myself. Everything about my trip, from the long drive there, finding a cute motel and staying alone for the first time in my life, and wandering around the city, was thrilling.

One of the things from that trip that stuck in my head was a couple I saw while I was driving along the 5 freeway, headed to San Francisco. They were in a little beat-up car, with what looked like all their belongings jammed in the back seat...from all appearances it looked like they were moving.

As I passed them, I noticed they were kissing; he was driving, with one eye on the road, while she leaned over and gave him a passionate, intimate kiss. I know this is silly and romantic of me, but I still think about them once in a while, and I hope that they're still together and happy. A couple months later I met C...a couple years after that we moved to San Francisco.

I picked up a rented minivan today. I'm going to pack all my earthly possessions in it tonight, and tomorrow I'm going to leave behind a five year relationship with the most intelligent, interesting person I know.


Originally posted April 11th, 2007

Really Well

This is the last thing I post on the subject of my maybe/sorta/I really don't think so "alcoholishness". I promise. I had a beer over the weekend. I felt fine about it. The AA meetings have been great, and very helpful, and I plan to keep going every-so-often...but. But I don't think I'm an alcoholic, and I feel like I'm lying to these people by going to these meetings even when I know I'm going to drink in the future...when I know I can handle it.

I think I fell into a shitty pattern when it came to drinking recently. I think I'm a little lonely and a good excuse to get out of the house and have some company is by grabbing a drink. The past two weeks of not drinking have been really good, and I plan on sticking with the changes I've made. But I'm not an alcoholic, it's as simple as that.

I think turning 29 freaked me out more than I expected it to, and I suspect that has a lot to do with my booze freak-out. But I sipped a beer with a friend on Saturday afternoon, a cold Belgium ale in a frosty glass, and then went home and took a nap. And that was it. And I remembered that I do that a lot more often than I try to keep up with my (much larger) friends at a dive bar and end up hungover as fuck the next day. I'm a small girl. Two beers are a lot for me, really.

So that's that , it seems. I don't need booze, but it does help me with that whole social anxiety issue. But I went on a date yesterday, and without the aid of alcohol or Xanax (just a ton of coffee) it went well...really well, actually. Really "I'm looking forward to seeing him again and even though I was super nervous I didn't make a fool out of myself" well. So that's good.

Sipping on gin and juice (minus the gin)*

*photo by Jonah Ray

Father - Daughter

When I was three years old, I smashed the edge of a plate into my face, right below my eyebrow. I had to be tied down with restraints so a doctor could stitch up the gash – ten stitches in all. I remember everything about that night aside from the drive to the hospital.

I still have a scar; a tiny slash that’s barely noticeable. My dad still apologizes to me, his voice laden with guilt and sincerity, twenty five years later. He had yelled at us, me and my two older siblings, to hurry to the table for dinner, you see. We were all terrified of my father’s yelling, so we obeyed in a hurry, and in the process of climbing into my booster seat, my arm tipped the edge of my plate, causing the opposite end to whack me right in the face. My father has never forgiven himself for this.

…

I was 14 years old and in the midst of an all-out rebellious stage. I had a curfew that was put into use almost as infrequently as my conscience was. After my older sister and her boyfriend dropped me off at the bowling alley (a popular hang-out back then), someone stuck a tab of acid on my tongue, and my night began.

A couple hours later, the night began for my family, as well. Me not coming home, without a phone call notifying them to this fact, they were left to worry. As I wandered around University Park with a band of flight jacket, Doc Martined, mohawked friends, laughing as the trees morphed into characters straight out of a cartoon, my parents called the police to report me missing. When I finally collapsed in a tired heap on the bedroom floor of one of the aforementioned friends, in a pile of equally nefarious teenagers and whatever blankets we could quietly scavenge from the linen closet at three in the morning, my family sat awake across town, sure that my lifeless body had been tossed into a ditch somewhere, left to rot.

When I finally came home the next morning, and I had been sent to my room to be dealt with later, my room entertained me from my cozy bed as it danced in and out of focus, my tired and drugged eyes having a kaleidoscope affect on everything I saw. My brother told me later that day that he had heard my father weeping in his bedroom throughout the night, praying to God that I was alright. Offering himself in return for my safe return. I’ve never stopped imagining him that way. I’ve never forgiven myself for putting him through that.

…

Domestic Tuesdays or Wednesdays - Crab Cakes Gonna Hate

Last Friday night I had some friends over for dinner. Having recently had two different friends move into my building, I thought it would be fun for all of us to get together, Friends-style. Ben's lovely girlfriend Kate and I decided to make crab cakes, and the dudes (Ben and my fake boyfriend Jonah) hung out while we cooked.

I found the perfect recipe on Tastespotting (which is my all-time favorite food-centric website), and although there are a ton of steps and ingredients (something I usually shy away from), it was actually a very easy to follow recipe, especially with two people cooking (and if two people can make this in my TINY kitchen and not want to kill each other by the end of the night, anyone can make this).

Aside from the crab cakes, there was a sauce to make, and a avocado mixture, which seems like a daunting amount of tasks, but let me tell you right now, this is one of the BEST things I've ever eaten. Seriously. I would make this again in a heartbeat. I also made a butter lettuce salad, which I normally wouldn't bother telling you about, but the dressing I made for it knocked my socks off, so you'll find the recipe for that below as well. Enjoy!

Chipotle Spiced Crab Cakes with Tomatillo-Avocado Sauce

First things first: I threw a bulb of garlic in the oven (slice the top off, drizzle with olive oil, sprinkle with pepper, and wrap in tin foil) for about 45 minutes, which I put out with a baguette and the yummy brie that Jonah brought. I could survive off this alone for the rest of my days. So yummy.

Now onto the crab cakes.

We started with three cans of crab meat, bought from Trader Joe's. I know you could and probably should buy better, more expensive crab meat, but I'm on a budget and this stuff worked just fine. Plus my friends aren't too picky, luckily.

This was my first time working with chipotle peppers, although I've always been curious about them. They gave the crab cakes a really nice smokey flavor, and added and interesting flavor that you don't get in normal crab cakes. Yum!

Don't kill me for bringing this up yet again, but this recipe was so simple mainly because my food processor made short work of each step. I know I've gone on and on about my little beast of a machine, but seriously, IT'S THE BEST FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD!!! *ahem* Moving on. To the chipotle pepper, I added red pepper, a shallot, lime juice, cilantro and salt and pulverized that shite.

Next we added two eggs (for binding purposes), mayonnaise, and the drained cans of crab meat, and gave that a quick whirl just to combine.

Transfer the mixture to a bowl.

Add 2 to 2 1/2 cups of Panko bread crumbs.

And voila!

The boys, hanging out and get hungrier and crankier.

The crab cake mixture needed to hang out in the fridge for a bit before they could be cooked, so we formed them into small patties and placed them on a cookie sheet.

My slip was showing the entire night ,fyi. Nobody told me.

Maybe it's cause they were JEALOUS that I was drinking non alcoholic beer and they weren't. Haters gonna hate.

While the crab cakes chilled the eff out in the fridge, we got started on the tomatillo sauce. Two jalapenos with the seeds and ribs removed (don't touch your junk or eyeballs after handling jalapenos, dummy!), a shallot, and two cloves of garlic are chopped and added to the tomatillos.

Have you ever cooked with tomatillos? I hadn't, although I've always wanted to because they're adorable. Just give them a rough chop and throw them in a frying pan with a tablespoon of olive oil and the jalapeno mixture.

You'll leave that to soften over medium heat for about 12-15 minutes.

"Hey Jonah, why don't you do the dishes???!"

"Oh that's right, I forgot: you're not my real boyfriend so you don't have to do what I say." *

*to be fair, he did bring me pretty flowers

Our pretty chef takes a much needed break with her real boyfriend (whom also didn't do the dishes).

After heating about two tablespoons of oil over medium heat, I added the crab cakes to the pan.

While they cooked, I made the salad dressing:

-2 cloves of garlic

-the juice from one whole lemon

-1 teaspoon Dijon mustard

-1/2 teaspoon lemon zest

-1 tablespoon honey

-fresh cracked pepper to taste

-about 1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil

Throw this all crap into your trusty food processor and blend away, then pour it over butter lettuce and throw in some croutons for good measure. I am SO not a salad kind of girl, but this shit blew my very mind.

Once the tomatillo sauce is pretty much done, you should be able to smush the remaining chunks with the back of the spoon, making a smoother sauce, but don't worry if it's a little chunky. I forgot to take photos of this part, but you also want to separately chop two or three ripe avocados into small cubes and add two tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice and two tablespoons finely chopped cilantro.

Once the crab cakes are ready, plate everything separately. If you're cooking the crab cakes in batches like we did, you can preheat your oven to about 200 and put the finished batch in to keep warm while you cook the second batch.

We've added guests (hi Nikki!) and they are fuggin HUNGRY.

Luckily dinner is finally ready!

So yum.

Aside from a couple modifications (like the fact that I forgot to buy celery and used shallots instead of an onion), you can find the recipe I used here: mygourmetconnection recipes

What It Is

It's nice waking up and knowing that your grogginess and sleepiness is not due to a hangover, and that your entire day isn't going to be spent basking in depression and regret.

It's nice to have friends over for dinner on Friday night, and then go to bed early and sober, instead of drinking at a bar and taking the risk of getting a DUI or worse.

It's nice knowing that I'm not ever going to hurt myself or someone else because of my inability to know when I've had too much, and shouldn't be driving. That's one of my biggest fears.

It hurts me to know that there are people who were once part of my life, who never got the chance to decide otherwise.

It's nice to finally recognize my shortcomings, and know there is something I can do about it.

It's scary to think about how bad it could have gotten...to hear stories from people for whom it did get that bad, and to know that I'm just lucky, not different.

It's wonderful and terrifying to share your faults as a human to a roomful of strangers, and to have those strangers come up to you afterwards and to realize that they genuinely care.

It's heart wrenching and overwhelmingly fulfilling to actually care back.

I'm so incredibly grateful for the change that's happening in my life. It's scary and overwhelming and, quite frankly, straight out weird, but I know that I'm already a better person because of it.

So Far

I went to three AA meetings over the weekend. It's been a confusing three days, but probably a few of the best I've had in recent months, as far as peace of mind and general happiness goes. Thank you so much to all your lovely comments and encouragement. I value all of your opinions, even if we've never met before.

So here's what I've deduced by going to the meetings, speaking to concerned friends, and through deep soul searching: I'm not an alcoholic. I will become an alcoholic if I continue drinking the way I have been. It's not just the drinking that I have a problem with, it's the patterns I've finally recognized as problematic. I look forward to drinking more than most. I look forward to that feeling I get after a couple drinks and think about that feeling a lot. I drink because it makes me feel at ease around people, and confident in myself, but the underlying issues of not being comfortable around people and with myself isn't be addressed. I can't have just one drink. I can't. I don't.

Drinking has become a focal point in my life, and it wasn't until I considered stopping that I realized this. More than anything though, I haven't gone without a drink for more than a few days in at least two years, if not way, way more. It frightens me that for as much as I want to improve my depression, which is something that's always been a constant in my life, I've never once considered that perhaps I should stop drinking, despite the fact that I KNOW that alcohol is a depressant. I'm startled that this didn't cross my mind, and to me it hints at an underlying problem with being dependent on booze.

At the meetings I went to over the weekend, I met so many wonderful people. I walked in just as nervous as I am whenever I walk into a new place, but I was met with kindness and an inherent understanding of that nervousness. This isn't easy, don't get me wrong. I'm scared and confused by all this and am not really sure where it's going, but for now I know that nothing bad is going to come out of me staying sober and taking what I can from these meetings.

This doesn't need to be a "forever" thing, but I do need to change my thinking patterns. I want to be the happiest and healthiest person I can be. I want what the speakers at the meetings have; clear heads and confidence even in their weakest moments in life. I don't want to wake up with hangovers and the crippling depression that accompanies them. I want persistence and determination which bring opportunities and challenges. I want a meaningful relationship with a worthwhile dude, and I want to feel like I've earned that.

As I lay in bed on Friday night, reading from a book about sobriety and feeling overwhelmed with hopefulness and determination, and more than a little bit of fear, I got a call from my big brother. They're pregnant, he and his fiance. I'm going to be an auntie. My life has suddenly gotten a surprising dose of overwhelming joy, for so many reasons.

Alcoholish

I can see now that she's been subtly pointing me towards this realization since I first came to see her two months ago. She's been laying down little hints and asking me probing questions that I blow off or pave over with excuses, unconsciously trying to point her towards my childhood traumas and incessant worrying as a cause for my insomnia and depression. She must have known that she was implanting the idea in my head, and that when I was ready to see it, I'd mention it. Well I guess I'm ready to see it, because last night I finally brought up the idea of my maybe...possibly...drinking problem with my therapist.

It's such a difficult thing to admit to myself, because while I don't have the symptoms associated with the kind of person one would point to and definitively label an "alcoholic", drinking has become something I "just do"...something that's as regular and commonplace to me as eating is in my life. I'm embarrassed to admit that only in the past week has it dawned on me that it might be something that needs more fixing than simply not drinking for the rest of the week/month/whatever.

I'm starting to realize that booze has become something I rely on to be social, to be fun, to be myself. For as much of a level headed person as I am, for as many times ways as I've tried to improve my insomnia and depression through working out regularly, eating healthy, trying new medications, the thought that perhaps I need to try life without alcohol has never even crossed my mind. I figured that this was just because I didn't have a problem, but suddenly I realize that not realizing it might be a problem in itself.

Tonight I'm going to an AA meeting with a close friend. I'm grappling with the word "alcoholic" because I'm not really sure that's what I am. All signs though; heredity, history, habits, personality, point to the fact that I might just be. I haven't been to one of these meetings since I was an unruly and rebellious 14 year old, and was forced to attend lest I wind up in Juvenile Hall or worse...but that's a story for another time. For now I'm just looking forward to proving to myself that I still have the courage to change the things I can, just as I did 15 years ago.

Things I Want to Do Before I'm 30 Interspersed with Photos from My Birthday Party

Attempt to run a half marathon

• Record and submit my Israel piece to This American Life
  
• Take the test to see if I qualify to give bone marrow

• Order the chef's tasting menu at a fancy restaurant
  
• Train myself to enjoy Bloody Mary's
  
• Volunteer somewhere worthwhile

• Make out with someone on the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland
  
• Licence to punch someone in the face if they deserve it

• Go down a waterslide

• Visit the Magic Castle

• Take an improv class

• Try uni

• Visit an abandoned place

• Go camping

• Go to a drive-in movie

• Give blood
  


• Bake a layered cake


• Swim in clear ocean water

• Go on a vacation outside California

• Get a short story published

Tell me...what's something you want to do before you next birthday?

Thanks to Jonah for all the great photos!

Blatherings

This past week, in a fit of post Mercury in Retrograde induced productivity, I finished a couple short stories I had been working on for, well, for an embarrassingly long time. Not knowing what to do with them once I was satisfied that they were truly complete, I sent one, the more "fictitious" of the two, off to a couple contests and literary journals.

The other, which is pretty much non-fiction, aside from a couple small details, I sent to Alex over at This Recording to see if he would maybe like to post it. I've had great feedback with other personal essays I've posted there, and Alex has always been sweet when it comes to the random blatherings I turn in as "writing".

Anyway, if you'd like to read it, you can find it here:
In Which she Had Made Up Her Mind

Moving on. This Monday I will be 29 years old. I've taken the day off work and plan on enjoying the day alone, reflecting on my thoughts and reading the fuck out of this book, which is currently rocking my world.

So far, I'm not too concerned with being *this* close to 30, but we'll see how I feel when I wake up on Monday morning. The reality is, though, my life is pretty wonderful at the moment, so I have nothing to complain about when it comes to getting another year to enjoy. It is weird to be entering the very last year of my 20's, but when I look back at how wonderful this past decade has been, and even how much I've learned and grown from the decidedly shitty parts of it, I can't say that I'm not looking forward to taking all that knowledge and applying it towards the next ten years.

I have decided that the next year should be a exciting one, though, as I feel I owe it to myself to end my 20's with a bang, so expect a list of "things to do before I'm 30" next week. Hint: punching someone in the face is on that list.


Until then, have a lovely weekend, kittens!

Cheers!

Photos by my sister, Leah

Domestic Tuesdays - *this*, *this*, and *this*

You guys...YOU GUYS!!! Okay, I know I'm a day late on Domestic Tuesdays yet again, but how about since I actually MADE today's post ON Tuesday, you give me a break? No? Okay, how about since I'm about to give you the BEST fucking recipe I've ever made in my very life, you give me that break? Yes? No? Well you really don't have much of a say in it, so here we go!

Something that's always eluded me when it comes to cooking, a something which just happens to be how I, personally, detect between functional cooks and really good cooks, is being able to throw something together with ingredients that aren't listed on a recipe. My mom and sister can do it, a few choice friends can too, but I'm just now getting the hang of opening the fridge, looking in the cupboards, and deciding to throw *this*, *this*, and *this* together and ending up with something surprisingly delicious...hell, I'll even settle for "pretty damn good".

Perhaps it's that my confidence level is building, but I think it has more to do with my level of understanding growing when it comes to cooking and flavors. So last night, after skipping the gym (shhhh, don't tell my thighs!), I plucked one of the many recipes I have on file and made my way to my local ethnic market to pick up supplies for dinner.

All I needed from the store were three things to add to what I already had in the fridge : a head of red cabbage, an onion, and two ears of corn. Those three ingredients, coupled with sausage and some flavorings, were all the recipe I had chosen called for. But as I looked around the produce section of the market, which always astonishes and excites me by its incredible variety and laughably low prices, I figured "what the hell?", and from there, I started adding to my cart. What came out was undeniably the best meal I've ever made.

Sausage with a Ton of Stuff

Cabbage is one of my favorite foods (with brussel sprouts being my most consumed and loved dish), and this recipe called for half a head of red cabbage, thinly sliced.

Enter my trusty food processor, which you're probably getting sick of hearing about by now, but since I have no actual boyfriend to make you nauseous with love stories about, you'll have to endure my fawning over this lovely fellow for the time being.

After attaching the shredding blade...okay fine, after attaching the shredding blade and following about ten minutes of me trying to figure out how the damn shredding blade works, the FP made short work of both the cabbage and a giant purple onion with minimal eye watering and painful eye burn on my part. Score!

One of my additions was collard greens, which I had never cooked with before. I pulled a few large leaves from the bunch, and cut around the large white stem, as I had seen done on the Food Network so many times before. Not only were the collard greens a really delicious addition, they're insanely nutritious, and I'm glad I ventured out of my comfort zone and gave them a shot.

After discarding the stem, I rolled the leaves up and roughly chopped em.

Another of my additions were mushrooms, a food which I'm still honing my enjoyment of, after a lifetime of abject hatred for. They ended up being a wonderful addition, and I wish I had added more.

Honestly, by the time I was finished with the vegetable mixture, this meal barely needed the sausage (that's what she said! zing!). With the sausage though, this dish was fucking MADE. Add any type of sausage you'd like...I just happened to have this apple, chardonnay chicken crap, which went perfectly because of the sweetness of the apples.

While the sausage browns in a pan that is way too tiny, but you had already put the olive oil in the pan and didn't want to dirty another dish so you just chopped the sausages in half and jammed them in there, or whatever, add the cabbage and onion into a pan with a tablespoon of oil and let it cook for about five minutes.

Next I added the collard greens and a fourth a cup of balsamic vinegar (which I fucking love so much I could bathe in).

Followed by the mushrooms and corn from two ears, which I had sliced the kernels off of, creating a huge mess. I let that shit hang out for about three minutes to soften.

Deciding I needed something else, I grabbed a can of white beans from my "cupboard" (which is really just a big white bookcase that the girl who lived in my apartment had left behind which I dragged into the kitchen and stuck a book of matches under the side that wobbled). I rinsed and drained the beans, to get all the sodium-laden juice off them...ew.

Note to the anonymous commenter from last week who was irate and admonished me for sometimes buying canned beans from the 99 Cents Only store: fuck off

I served this with a yam which I had pierced several times with a fork after scrubbing, and stuck in the oven at 400 degrees for about 40 minutes (buy thinner yams so they'll cook faster). With the yams, I stuck a bulb of garlic in the oven that I had sliced the top off of, drizzled with olive oil and black pepper, and covered in tin foil in until it was all mushy and perfect. Then I stuck a few cloves onto a baguette.

Everything about this meal was fucking perfect, and I can't wait to eat the leftovers for lunch today. What would you have added?

Sausage with a bunch of stuff

adapted from Real Simple

2 tablespoons olive oil
4-8 Italian sausages
1/2 small head red cabbage, thinly sliced (about 6 cups)
1 large onion, thinly sliced

3-5 large collard greens leaves with stems removed (or any sort of leafy green)
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar

1/2 pound mushrooms
1 cup corn kernels (from 2 ears or frozen and thawed)

1 can white beans, rinsed and drained
kosher salt and pepper

Heat 1 tablespoon of the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Prick the sausages with a fork and cook, turning occasionally, until browned, 10 to 12 minutes. Transfer to plates.

Heat the remaining tablespoon of oil in the skillet over medium heat. Add the cabbage and onion and cook, stirring occasionally, for 5 minutes. Add the vinegar, greens, and mushrooms, and cook, stirring occasionally, until the cabbage is just tender, 3 to 4 minutes.

Stir in the corn and white beans, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper. Serve with the sausage.