I have a somewhat involved history with people I know dying in car accidents. This is in the front of my mind today, as I found out this morning that someone I'm acquainted with died in such a fashion over the weekend. It's my biggest fear - car accidents - both for myself and more so for people I know and care about. It's a thought that keeps me awake with anxiety some nights, and on other nights is an intrusive, obsessive thought that requires half a Xanax to quell.
The first two boyfriends I had, both important ones in their own right, are dead. The first one died in a flash flood while driving through Nevada with his very best friend by his side. Is that a actual car accident? I'm not sure, but it's an easier way to explain. I found out about his passing while sitting on the bed of the second one, who died a few years later when he drove his damn car off the freeway and into a wall. I think about them sometimes...not about what they were like when I knew them, but about their last few moments of being alive. It haunts me, and I think of alternative scenarios (being a person who daydreams constantly) in which I somehow save them or warn them beforehand.
The third was a best friend from high school, who had long since gone the way of typical high school friends - which is to say I didn't speak to her much, but whom I thought about warmly from time to time, always assuming that someday we'd catch up over drinks and memories. I found out about her fate after finding her older sister's website, and the subsequent memorial page she had created for her. Her sister and I emailed back and forth a couple times, with her last email ending in the wise words "don't drink and drive".
I guess I'm a little traumatized from all these happenings, not to mention the memory of the aftermath of the accident I witnessed as a little kid. I deal by convincing myself that death, specifically ones caused by car accidents, are just part of life. I try to tell myself it won't happen to me, but even by writing that out and posting it on my blog, I feel like I'm condemning myself to such a fate. I guess I'm more superstitious than I lead myself to believe.
What are you terrified of? Lets all put it into words, and convince ourselves that by doing so, we're lessening the chances of it actually happening.