I went to three AA meetings over the weekend. It's been a confusing three days, but probably a few of the best I've had in recent months, as far as peace of mind and general happiness goes. Thank you so much to all your lovely comments and encouragement. I value all of your opinions, even if we've never met before.
So here's what I've deduced by going to the meetings, speaking to concerned friends, and through deep soul searching: I'm not an alcoholic. I will become an alcoholic if I continue drinking the way I have been. It's not just the drinking that I have a problem with, it's the patterns I've finally recognized as problematic. I look forward to drinking more than most. I look forward to that feeling I get after a couple drinks and think about that feeling a lot. I drink because it makes me feel at ease around people, and confident in myself, but the underlying issues of not being comfortable around people and with myself isn't be addressed. I can't have just one drink. I can't. I don't.
Drinking has become a focal point in my life, and it wasn't until I considered stopping that I realized this. More than anything though, I haven't gone without a drink for more than a few days in at least two years, if not way, way more. It frightens me that for as much as I want to improve my depression, which is something that's always been a constant in my life, I've never once considered that perhaps I should stop drinking, despite the fact that I KNOW that alcohol is a depressant. I'm startled that this didn't cross my mind, and to me it hints at an underlying problem with being dependent on booze.
At the meetings I went to over the weekend, I met so many wonderful people. I walked in just as nervous as I am whenever I walk into a new place, but I was met with kindness and an inherent understanding of that nervousness. This isn't easy, don't get me wrong. I'm scared and confused by all this and am not really sure where it's going, but for now I know that nothing bad is going to come out of me staying sober and taking what I can from these meetings.
This doesn't need to be a "forever" thing, but I do need to change my thinking patterns. I want to be the happiest and healthiest person I can be. I want what the speakers at the meetings have; clear heads and confidence even in their weakest moments in life. I don't want to wake up with hangovers and the crippling depression that accompanies them. I want persistence and determination which bring opportunities and challenges. I want a meaningful relationship with a worthwhile dude, and I want to feel like I've earned that.
As I lay in bed on Friday night, reading from a book about sobriety and feeling overwhelmed with hopefulness and determination, and more than a little bit of fear, I got a call from my big brother. They're pregnant, he and his fiance. I'm going to be an auntie. My life has suddenly gotten a surprising dose of overwhelming joy, for so many reasons.
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28 comments:
Hey, good for you for getting yourself to that meeting! You are one brave soul. And it's never a bad thing to be one step closer to self-awareness. You're doing a great thing for yourself.
I was wondering how your weekend had gone! I'm really happy things are going your way :) I go through cycles with my drinking (which is quite mild, especially in comparison to my past). I find that more and more I crave a clear head, falling asleep and really sleeping, waking up happy and feeling more in control of myself and my actions. I crave it more and more that I don't drink every day. Some days I do, some days I don't...breaking the pattern has been huge for me. Keep it up! :)
This hits wayyyyyyyyyyy closer to home than I can deal with...
Yet.
Congrats, babe.
Congrats on your soon-to-be aunthood!
So when you go to these meetings and introduce yourself to everyone, do you still have to say, "...and I'm an alcoholic," even if you decide you aren't an alcoholic, or aren't sure if you are? I don't know why I feel the need to know this but I do.
Good luck with everything, I'm pulling for you.
Good on ya. I was part of AA for ten years, sober the whole time. It was free therapy for me when I started at 17, my family all fucked up. I loved it, the support, the advice, the insights. I hope you get a lot out of it.
It's really brave of you to face this issue. I'm sending you hugs.
That was tremendously brave of you to do. And happy dances over babies!
Congratulations, on both counts!
And please keep us posted. On both counts.
Awwww Georgia, sometimes the best things come to us when we take a moment to step out of ourselves and really take an honest look at our lives and how we are affecting ourselves through our decisions and choices we make. Good on you to delve a little deeper and figure some shit out. It takes a brave woman to go where you are. I'm happy to hear about your weekend.
Congrats on becoming an auntie! It is all of our birth rights to be happy and at peace, whatever this entails for each of us. I found a book that set me back a few bones but has been beyond helpful and enlightening for me with issues I've struggled with all of my life. And if nothing else you may find it interesting or amusing. Best of luck, although I have no doubts you'll achieve whatever you put your heart and mind to! http://www.amazon.com/dp/0979553709/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=3317231471&ref=pd_sl_94zjwiecty_e
What good news! Sounds like you did a lot of important deep thinking and inventory on yourself, and figured out what you wanted, at least for now. Which is all we can ever really hope to do or control: the right now. :)
Good job on facing this before it got to a point where you had no choice (i.e. alcoholism), and I think you're probably exactly right in your self-assessment: you're not an alcoholic but you might end up one if you don't change some things (which, as I mentioned on the last post, is basically exactly what I figured out about myself - with no small help from my therapist at the time - and led to positive change in my own life).
Here's to positivity, clear-headedness, and Auntie-hood!
(hints) I'm a worthwhile dude.... But I'd probably have to have a drink before-hand in order to deal with the stress of meeting new people and having to be friendly at an AA meeting.
Be well, whichever way you get there!
Through the wonderful medium to the web I send you an e-hug, sounds like you might need one.
I've had dependance issues, and facing them in this way really helps. For me it was work trips when i had to stay straight that made me realise I _could_ stay straight for more than a day, which made me realise how rarely that happened.
Congrats on the auntyhood too!
I've read this blog on and off for about 6 months after I followed a link here for the McNuggetini.
I really enjoyed the McNuggetini and some of the domestic Tuesday posts. Although, I do not care for your healthy cooking as of late. Also, I think you are cute and my girlfriend is mildly threatened by you.
But looking at the big picture, I've discovered that this blog is nothing more than a pulpit for you to whine and bitch about your life.
This most recent post about the possibility of becoming an alcoholic compelled me to write to you.
While you must feel better after telling the world or the members of your local AA group or your therapist about your problems, I get enraged after reading your blog. Self-centered people like yourself who complain about their trivial problems (ie. possibility of alcoholism...jesus christ, come on) to anyone who will listen make the world a worse place.
The sky is not falling. Relax.
That being said, there is nothing compelling me to listen so I'm done reading this blog.
Wow, I get to follow up behind that last post. Well anyshits, good luck to you. As my blog is so aptly title, I think it's safe to say we are all in some way shape or form perfectly flawed. It's realizing those flaws and dealing with them what makes us who we are, good, bad, whatever. Good luck to ya.
Shinyung - Thank you! I'm looking forward to seeing how long I can do this for.
Rose - Yeah, having a hangover-free weekend was really a great feeling. For as shitty as I feel when I wake up in the morning, it's nice to know it's not because of a mistake I made the night before.
LiLu - All in good time, my dear.
Diary - Yeah, you kind of have to say it, it feels like. I don't mind saying it, even if I'm still not sure about it, because it feels more like a way of opening up to the people in the meeting rather than labeling myself as something.
Maggie, Lindsay, Amy, Captrenault, Javajane - Thank you so much!
Anonymous - It has been hard to take a look at the mistakes I've been making, but also worthwhile. I'll check out the book, thank you!
Chad - Woot!
Jake - Haha...yeah, it's crazy how scary it is to walk into a meeting. While I was getting ready for one last night, the thought crossed my mind that I could use a drink beforehand...not good!!!
Substitute and Ora - thank you!!
Anonymous - Wow, you're quite an asshole, although I see from my site meter that you're in the military? So I guess I'm not surprised. I find it funny that you're at all surprised that a person's blog is somewhat "self centered". Holy shit, are you just figuring that out??? I feel sorry for your girlfriend, as putting up with a dude like you must be exhausting. Please, please stop reading this blog, unless you're going to comment with your name and a link, so we can read about problems, which I'm sure are much less trivial than my bullshit.
That being said, go fuck yourself.
Jimmy - Thank you! It's nice to have a sweet comment after that shitty one.
Well, Anonymous, I'm sure we'll all feel a pang of sadness in your absence. Perhaps the lack of exposure to your brilliant insight will drive us all to drink.
ew, i'm sorry you have creepy jackasses like that guy reading your blog.
i think the turning point for being an alcoholic is when you drink to feel normal as opposed to drinking to feel good. if you still get that excellent feeling buzz, you aren't one.
but like you said, who knows when having fun will turn into that.
i am proud of you, your blog is not at all whiny or whatever that tool said, and your recipes are absolutely delicious. xoxo
I used to drink alot when I was working as an attorney and my colleagues and I used to drink A LOT at once because we all had curfews that we set ourselves so we could get to work the next day. So imagine a group of overworked stressed out discontent lawyers drinking from 7pm-10pm as much as they can, being as loud as they can, and spending as much money as possible.
Then it was drinking a glass or two of wine or three or four on Sundays before work started.
Then I got laid off.
Then it was drinking in the middle of the day because, hell, I can!
and then it was drinking because I was stressed out about not having a job.
and then it was drinking because everyone invited me out and sooo many parties to go to in NYC!
and then it was drinking when I got tired of the partying because I was bored and had nothing else to do.
ah, the cycle continues.
Alcohol, the source of and solution to, all of life's problems.
Anyway, I'm here for ya!
lawshucks.com/laidoffdiary
I know where you're coming from with the whole self-awareness journey - thank you for letting us tag along! Good luck and best wishes...
Go girl!
Dad
Wow! You are on it! That's great!
Also, you are doing as your blog describes--keep it up!
It takes a lot of balls to write a blog. It's like making your diary public, that's why I don't have a blog. I appreciate that you even allow anonymous comments. Thank you for providing me with something interesting to read when I get bored at work. Best wishes with your AA meetings.
Yes AA is not for everyone, especially for you since your life so far does not seem to be falling apart. You've got your friends, a social life (and in you twenties and thirties what social life does NOT involve alcohol), and you don't crave drinking non stop. Alcohol destroys lives, families, jobs, friendships. It rules you. This does not sound like you as far as what I can tell from what you write. And you bare so much in this blog and that is very healthy. Alcoholics take their lives and drown it in liquor, beer.
I did AA and it is a wonderful thing. You can gather so much strength from these meetings. Many people have good stories to tell, and you attend meetings over and over until someone tells a story that hits a nerve. But there are so many lost people there, blank and erased because they haven't yet found the replacement for the gaping hole alcohol has left.
I think you'll be okay. AA is truly a beautiful thing and I am thankful for it. I am not sober and don't plan on being. But I am doing just fine. AA isn't for everyone. I suggest going to smaller meetings, if you haven't been to them. Meetings in Silverlake tend to be very large and not intimate ( not that you've been to Silverlake AA meetings, but I'm recalling the first one I went to that an AA friend had taken me to, and the next ones after they were all hip and cool sober people but too many of them! Like a hundred! AA is best done in smaller meeting in the beginning until you are a true AA member). I also suggest Women's meetings, because women drink for entirely different reasons than men, and you will relate more to their stories.
Also, anything goes. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. No one will question you, I guarantee it.
I'm amazed at the level of support here. You must feel very blessed, Georgia.
I'm truly in awe of how many wonderful people actually care about this little thing I'm going through. I really do feel blessed (even though I fucking HATE when famous people use that word cause it sounds so trite) that there are so many of you supporting me. I'm the luckiest blogger ever!
xoxo
I've just come across this series of posts now and I can so thoroughly relate to what you've written. Thank you so much for your honesty.
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