I can see now that she's been subtly pointing me towards this realization since I first came to see her two months ago. She's been laying down little hints and asking me probing questions that I blow off or pave over with excuses, unconsciously trying to point her towards my childhood traumas and incessant worrying as a cause for my insomnia and depression. She must have known that she was implanting the idea in my head, and that when I was ready to see it, I'd mention it. Well I guess I'm ready to see it, because last night I finally brought up the idea of my maybe...possibly...drinking problem with my therapist.
It's such a difficult thing to admit to myself, because while I don't have the symptoms associated with the kind of person one would point to and definitively label an "alcoholic", drinking has become something I "just do"...something that's as regular and commonplace to me as eating is in my life. I'm embarrassed to admit that only in the past week has it dawned on me that it might be something that needs more fixing than simply not drinking for the rest of the week/month/whatever.
I'm starting to realize that booze has become something I rely on to be social, to be fun, to be myself. For as much of a level headed person as I am, for as many times ways as I've tried to improve my insomnia and depression through working out regularly, eating healthy, trying new medications, the thought that perhaps I need to try life without alcohol has never even crossed my mind. I figured that this was just because I didn't have a problem, but suddenly I realize that not realizing it might be a problem in itself.
Tonight I'm going to an AA meeting with a close friend. I'm grappling with the word "alcoholic" because I'm not really sure that's what I am. All signs though; heredity, history, habits, personality, point to the fact that I might just be. I haven't been to one of these meetings since I was an unruly and rebellious 14 year old, and was forced to attend lest I wind up in Juvenile Hall or worse...but that's a story for another time. For now I'm just looking forward to proving to myself that I still have the courage to change the things I can, just as I did 15 years ago.
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16 comments:
I had a similar realization about my life a few years ago and while I never made it to a meeting, cutting down does help. Especially if you are prone to depression. The hangover/drunk cycle will end and your head will be a lot clearer. Some party friends will fall by the wayside but those were never real friends to begin with.
My therapist did the same thing several years ago - put the idea there and let me come to it on my own a few months later - and while I never actually attended an AA meeting, it did make me far more conscious of my drinking and drug habits, and thus, led my life in a better direction in many ways. I became much more aware of the tendencies, aware of the need to mindlessly rely on alcohol unless I'm paying conscious attention to the fact that that's what I'm doing. So, I started paying more attention, and that's led to no drugs and a lot less drinking in my life. (Currently, I'm not drinking at all, but that's to support my wife as she has to abstain during her pregnancy. It's helpful, though, to see how life is totally possible without it.)
And certainly if you're prone to depression or insomnia, going without booze for a while is a great idea - it allows medications to work better, clears your head, allows you to deal with things. It doesn't sound like you're not an alcoholic either (though, admittedly, I don't really know you at all!), but it's always good to look at what's working and not working in your life - and giving up alcohol never makes one's life worse in the long run.
If it's what you want to do, to make changes in your life, I have no doubt you'll be able to do it. Best of luck!
Chad has definitely said some good things. I went down the AA path about 5 years ago. But a lot was going. I was gaining momentum with substances and even had a car accident. I saw a therapist who steered me in the AA direction.
The thing about AA, is it's a very singular way of looking at addiction. It's a rigid system. Black and white. You use or you don't use. This definitely applies to some people and for those people AA is great. For others (like me) it just didn't fit.
If you go down that road, just keep your wits about you and your eyes open (not that you wouldn't). And really evaluate if it's right for you.
Isn't it odd how we grew up with daily drinking as something completely normal? My mom, to this day, comes home from work and immediately makes a drink. Sure, it's a wine cooler. It's not hard alcohol, but EVERY DAY of her life. Hard day? Alcohol. Good day? Alcohol. Celebrating? Alcohol. Sad? You get it.
It took me years to realize that I didn't HAVE to drink every single day. After struggling myself with the party-hangover-self guilt struggle I finally realized I could behave like an adult. My family all is highly susceptible to alcohol related issues.
It affects your whole life... When daily drinking is no longer a part of your life - there's a lot more time, energy and clarity! I've thought about AA, and have yet to go, I feel that I am achieving my own place of happy balance.
Keep exploring yourself! You're doing awesome. We grew up in a weird place ;)
First, ibid on what everyone else has said. Speaking personally, going dry for a little bit isn't the worst idea, if only to give the system a break, and to reinforce the idea that you can stop if you wanted to. Breaking the habit behind drinking leads to a decrease in itself. I found, anyway.
That said, I can't imagine what would make me want to have a drink more than attending an AA meeting on a Friday night...
good for you for taking the first, scary step.
I just typed "when I was your age" and freaked myself out. But seriously, when I was in my late 20s, I thought I was happy. I had tons of friends and went out every night and drank a whole lot. Then I got a DUI. Thankfully nothing terrible ensued, it was mostly just embarrassing (I got my wheelwell stuck on the fender of an old '70s car pulling out of the driveway of a nightclub). But I decided I must be an alcoholic and decided to take state-mandated rehab instead of getting points on my license. After my first session, the therapist looked at me and said "I really don't think you're an alcoholic. I think you made some bad choices." Of course, at that point I had already signed myself on for two years of outpatient rehab and AA. Which was probably also indicative of how lousy my choice-making abilities were. In retrospect, I was lonely. I was dating the occasional loser band guy but really wanted to have a "real adult relationship" as much as I was horrified to admit it to myself. Too banal. So I was getting tanked to be social. The rehab sessions taught me this is called "self-medicating" and it can lead to alcoholism but I think I am too paranoid to have let it get out of control. Which is probably another issue entirely...
Good job testing the waters to see if you need help. When you encounter the folks with the real problems, you'll know whether or not you are one of them pretty fast, I think.
So how does this work with your desire to like Bloody Mary's?... Do you give up on that quest? I hope you're not an alcoholic, because alcoholics are ugly, lazy, and smell like my uncle.
I was definitely in the same place (and have been off and on for much of my late teens and twenties).
Before I found out I was pregnant I was going through a box of wine a week. It wasn't even something I depended on socially anymore. I needed it just to chill out at home.
I kept saying to myself "how am I going to cut this out of my life??" and I couldn't find anything to make me until I got pregnant. That was the only thing that was the drinking deal breaker. It took somebody else's health to quit cold turkey, not my own.
Sometimes I am bummed that I couldn't find the will to do it for ME, it took this baby to make me quit.
But whatever the case, I wonder how my habits are going to change after he is born. I definitely think he'll inspire me to stay sober most the time. I have a horrendous case of alcoholism in my family (as does my boyfriend) so it's so important to me that we set a good example.
Anyway, good luck at AA. I hope it helps you out gets you where you want to be.
I can't really relate to this - it's not something I've been through myself or have a story to tell about it. But I just wanted to say congratulations for having the courage to face it, and for writing about it here. That's scary, and you're brave. I have confidence that you will find the right solution for your life.
Hey -
Be well and happy. Whatever happens, you're taking care of yourself which is great.
Your platonic stalker,
Conrad
I don't know how much you drink, and I don't want to discourage you from getting help, but I do have to point out that moderate alcohol consumption has been correlated with higher cognition.
Plus it makes the voices go away.
Georgia, you're awesome. I hope you figure things out. Peace.
I've totally been there. I thought I was way more social and exciting when on the hooch. Fast-forward a couple years where the hooch and I started having a rocky relationship (blackouts, etc.). It's been 11 months of no drinking for me now, and the clarity is nice. AA is good for me when I freak out, but I don't go all the time. I hope the rooms give you some peace.
BTW, this brought me out of lurkerdom because I just wanted to encourage you to stay true to yourself and recognize that booze does not have to be a defining characteristic for you. For reals.
You're very brave. Good luck.
I'm going to be the lone voice saying keep drinking. Sure, quit for a month just to prove to yourself that you can, that you don't need alcohol to go out, but after that, what's the problem?
I've drunk for years. I like it. I enjoy the tatste, I enjoy the sensation. When I've got a lot of work on I don't drink. I like that too. What I'm saying is I think we all rush to label things addictions far too quickly when what most of it comes down to is choice (having grown up with an alcoholic uncle of died of liver disease believe me, I know what full blown alcoholism looks like).
Because next time things aren't so good in your life maybe you'll blame the next stimulant, so it'll be no more coffee and off to caffeine's anonymous. After that it'll be the carbs. Then maybe the crack.
Well this is how it was for me, anyway, until I finally realised I was trying to cut everything out without addresing the uderlying problems. When I did that everything was fine and I went back to my old habits, and was very glad to see them again.
I don't know you so who knows, maybe you have got a problem, but from reading your blog I'm not so sure, and I'd hate to see anyone cut out something from their life when they really don't have to. I've had great times sober and great times with a beer or two, what was important was that I was happy in myself and so could enjoy what I wanted.
Plus I'm in London, and we do love a drink over here.
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