I can see now that she's been subtly pointing me towards this realization since I first came to see her two months ago. She's been laying down little hints and asking me probing questions that I blow off or pave over with excuses, unconsciously trying to point her towards my childhood traumas and incessant worrying as a cause for my insomnia and depression. She must have known that she was implanting the idea in my head, and that when I was ready to see it, I'd mention it. Well I guess I'm ready to see it, because last night I finally brought up the idea of my maybe...possibly...drinking problem with my therapist.
It's such a difficult thing to admit to myself, because while I don't have the symptoms associated with the kind of person one would point to and definitively label an "alcoholic", drinking has become something I "just do"...something that's as regular and commonplace to me as eating is in my life. I'm embarrassed to admit that only in the past week has it dawned on me that it might be something that needs more fixing than simply not drinking for the rest of the week/month/whatever.
I'm starting to realize that booze has become something I rely on to be social, to be fun, to be myself. For as much of a level headed person as I am, for as many times ways as I've tried to improve my insomnia and depression through working out regularly, eating healthy, trying new medications, the thought that perhaps I need to try life without alcohol has never even crossed my mind. I figured that this was just because I didn't have a problem, but suddenly I realize that not realizing it might be a problem in itself.
Tonight I'm going to an AA meeting with a close friend. I'm grappling with the word "alcoholic" because I'm not really sure that's what I am. All signs though; heredity, history, habits, personality, point to the fact that I might just be. I haven't been to one of these meetings since I was an unruly and rebellious 14 year old, and was forced to attend lest I wind up in Juvenile Hall or worse...but that's a story for another time. For now I'm just looking forward to proving to myself that I still have the courage to change the things I can, just as I did 15 years ago.