My band played our first show last night...at one in the morning....in my bed...in my imagination. I pictured the whole thing...including what I was wearing, who was there, I even went through an entire song with me on drums. I got into bed at around 10:30, and didn't stop thinking until I eventually passed out around 2 a.m.
I've never been a good sleeper. I remember lying in bed as a child for hours...thinking about my day, the world, what I would be like as an adult, making up stories, etc. I thought this was totally normal until I was about 15 and told someone about it. I sometimes wonder what I would be like if I hadn't had trouble falling asleep my whole life...if I got a consistent 8 hours of sleep every night, instead of the sporadic 4-7 hours I actually get. Would I be smarter? funnier? taller?
I usually keep my insomnia to myself, as it's a difficult thing to explain to someone who's never experienced it without sounding over-dramatic. That's why I get so happy when people hit it right on the nose...like in this email a friend sent me the other day:
"I have a few insomniac rituals myself, normally consisting of trying to figure out how municipal systems work (water, sewage, trash, electricity wires, etc) without any relevant knowledge. Or I interview myself as if I'm sitting on those boring Sunday mid-day political talk shows"
I've done both of those things, btw.
Okay, now show me yours...what do you obsess about while you're trying to fall asleep? Or what late night activities do you keeps yourself occupied with when you can't fall asleep?
25 comments:
Lately I haven't been able to get to sleep before 2, sometimes 3. Late night activities include:
* researching urban planning and transportation infrastructure.
* researching outsourced shoe manufacturing.
* reading "The Four Hour Workweek" by Timothy Ferriss.
* listening to "This American Life" on podcast.
* blogging
* being terrorized by my cat
That's my problem...I don't actually "do" anything when I can't sleep. I lay in bed hoping to fall asleep, then cursing the clock every time I look at it and another hour has gone by. I should just stay up until I'm exhausted, but for some reason I always think "this will be the night I fall right to sleep!"
*Rescue Remedy is the best.thing.ever. when it comes to hyperactive cats. You can get it at Whole Foods.
I haven't had insomnia for a really long time, in fact now I'm usually out minutes after I hit the bed (probably due to the fact I tend to only sleep when I'm exhausted and can't keep my eyes open anymore), but when I was little I used to lay in bed and think about dying. For some reason I believed that I might die at an early age from some strange illness. I wasn't really ever a hypochondriac during the day just when I was alone trying to sleep. I lost countless hours as a child because of this irrational fear.
Either around this time or a little after I was kept up until the early morning hours because I thought the devil was trying to get in my head. I wasn't brought up religious so I don't know where this stems from...probably a result of the bad movies I watched at too young an age courtesy of the illegal box my dad hid behind the TV to get the Spice network.
Later at about 11 or 12, the devil was gone, but the thought of dying had resurfaced and I was convinced I had the deadly new virus AIDS. While in PE class some kid spit towards me and some saliva may or may not have gotten in my mouth. I didn't think anything of it until my grandma, who didn't know this had happened and was talking to my mom about something entirely different, offered up her completely unfounded opinion that one could contract AIDS in this manner. Add to this that I used to think the local gang was going to find out I called them "not a real gang" in the sixth grade and I tossed and turned all night.
Now, I sleep like a baby.
I can totally relate!
I will lay in bed for hours, sometimes thinking about nothing but the desire to fall asleep. Other night I get caught up in a fantasy relationship, travel to exotic corners of the world, shop for new shoes or even clean my house. Sometimes I get wrapped up in the fantasy only to look at the clock and sigh in frustration that I have to be awake in mere hours. Now if only my real life was as productive as the one I lay and dream about??
I find that I will go for weeks with 4-6 hrs a night and then crash and have a day where I sleep the whole day through before starting the cycle all over again.
Yawn.
Anonymous: Whoa...I really want to think you're crazy, but when I was little I used to be scared someone would break into my house and cut off all my hair. Also, if my mom was ever out on a date or something when I was supposed to be asleep, I would end up making myself cry because I was SURE she was dead. I'd stay up until I heard her car pull into the carport.
What's your secret now?...are you a satanic gang member that gives people rare infectious diseases and transmits the AIDS virus in ways science hasn't yet discovered possible? Is that why you aren't afraid anymore?
Louise: hahaha...I've gone shopping, on vacation, had the most beautiful as well as the most tumultuous love affairs. You name it. I'm glad to know I'm not alone!
Rescue Remedy huh? Thanks for the tip! I gotta say, it looks too good to be true though. I guess as long as there's nothing harmful in it, we'll give it a shot - although I think Curtis suffers more from being lonely all day long than some kind of weird cat anxiety.
Up until the age of 11, each night, I would rack my brain recounting every piece of my life I could remember. Passed 11, I'd lose track and fall a sleep before I could finish. I still try to do it sometimes when I can't sleep. It feels productive somehow.
Actually, many of the world's most famous people suffered from insomnia; Winston Churchill, Golda Meir, Einstein, many of the Kennedys and a lot of other creative people. Most of them write about taking short naps (15-20 min) throughout the day to help them get the rest they need to function well.
Also, studies show that laying in bed trying to sleep for hours is actually a form of mild sleep that can help slow down your body functions as if you are napping even though your mind may be racing. The besst thing to do then is to relax and think pleasant thoughts.
Glad to know I'm in good company! I have no problems with naps...I wish I could do the 15-20 minute thing, but two hours is usually what seems to work for me.
As a kid, It was pretty much always the fear of intruders that kept me up, or my mom being out with Norm. My room was on one end of the house and to get to my mom's room you had to walk past a giant wall of glass that was our side yard, and it was FULL of trees and shrubs and darkness. Anyone could break in by breaking the glass and they could also see me walking by (as was my theory). So I pretty much freaked out a lot. Of course we lived on the tip of Lido Island, the whitest place in Whiteville where the crime rate was like zero percent. I have problems.
During my school years my mind would just race, usually about things I had due, even if they were done. But also about shit I wanted to do with my friends after school. Planning has been a big theme for my insomnia. Planning and fantasy. (my most common nightmare has also always been losing my class list and not being able to find my classes and eventually dropping out. Or forgetting what classes were on what day.. I still have that nightmare and I haven't been to school in almost 10 years)
In my adult life it's almost always things like "what would i do if i won the 50 million dollar lottery?" .. or planning out every aspect of a business I want to start. Or kinda like the stress from school, I stress out about things due at work and can't sleep trying to come up with how I'm going to get it done. Again, ideas and planning.
And yeah, to your first commenter, it's not insomnia if you aren't laying in bed trying to sleep watching the hours tick by.
Worrying about an intruder is something that keeps me up a lot these days, although never when I was a kid. Considering I live in a somewhat seedy neighborhood, I don't think this worry is that far out of bounds.
for some reason all the bars and multiple locks on my doors and windows make me feel better. Oh that and i'm upstairs, with a gun.
Yes yes and yes. I can't go to sleep without having some kind of fantasy in my head first, unfortunately a lot of the time it gets so interesting that hours go by and, whoops! I'm still awake. And just TRY to make yourself stop thinking. I dare you.
Last night it was me at a Band of Horses show in Paris. Then I met the lead singer and we hung out. I mean, I've never even seen a picture of the guy, I have no idea what he looks like, but in my head, we hung out. These kind of dreams are so much better than the real kind, because they end however you want them to.
I am glad to know I am not alone.I also interview myself and I refer to the interview itself as I am being interviewd for example I say something like ; "yes, I recall laying in bed once and thinking to myself one day I will be saying these words on national television and look here i am now". Maybe this is all positve affirmation and all our scenarios will one day come true.
Remember when my sister (YOU!!!) used to grab at my feet during my RUN between turning off the light and racing up the ladder of our bunk bed?!? that used to keep me up. Luckily, so did GnR's Patience, years later when I was in junior high and I heard you having a seisure! Now I can get to sleep OK but I've been waking up at 4 and just stay awake. You can ask anyone who knows me well about "midnight manicures". I showed Ian my perfect nails recently and he said "well its that time of year again", referring to my problems getting worse in the winter...
ben,
trust me, i'd so rather be sleeping! ;-)
A
anh,
you may RATHER be. But if you aren't actively trying. Not insomnia.
i used to try...but i gave up on trying. it may not be insomnia, but i'm a sleep slacker.
Wait, G, did you say you worried about someone breaking-in just to cut of your hair?!? That's awesome. Have you ever sent insomnia-emails? I was doing that last year after taking ambien when I was supposed to be sleeping - maybe only once to work but who knows!
...and who made Ben the insomnia police?
What's in called when you're sleepy and WANT to sleep, but you never feel like you've done enough to earn going to bed?
Antisomnia?
Somniphobic?
Retarded?
Fuck, it's 2:49 am
Diary: Ohhhh the band members who have fallen in love with me...if they only knew! Do you ever do that thing were you'll have some torrid fantasy about someone you know, and then the next time you see them you're all nervous around them, or angry at them if it was a negative imaginary relationship?
Anonymous: I do the "I never thought I'd be here!" thing...when, like, I'm thinking about being there. haha...brains are funny.
Leah: Yeah, I remember doing that...but I also remember YOU doing it to me...well, no I don't, but I'm sure you did it at some point.
Leah 2: I've never actually done anything productive with my insomniac time...sending emails would mean I had given up on trying to fall asleep, and I just can't do that.
Leah 3: lol!
Anonymous: It's called "Being Alie Ward".
I don't really tend to fantasize about people I know because honestly, I don't even know anyone crush-worthy, and how sad is that?
But back to the band thing, I found out the next day that THAT night while I was fantasizing about the singer from Band of Horses, he was actually IN BOSTON playing a show at that very moment. And instead of fantasizing I could have been making my dream a reality. Or...not...since my ridiculously early bedtime is dictated by ungrateful college students who insist that I rise BEFORE DAWN to teach them French. And then have the nerve to not come to class because they "slept through their alarm." Wretches.
i get insomnia when i'm stressed out or depressed and i don't fall asleep until 8 or 9 in the morning which makes me even more stressed and/or depressed because i know i'm going to either sleep until 4pm the next day or be really tired and useless.
my advice is that you stop taking naps (when i take them i stay up extra late) and instead of trying to go to bed at night, trick your brain into thinking you're trying to stay awake all night. tell yourself you're going to stay awake 24 hours straight so you can cure yourself of insomnia, that may not be the real cure but even so i think it makes sense for you, aren't you the same person who eats the actual fortunes in fortune cookies so they'll come true?
if that doesn't work try one of those new age meditation cd's, i used to have a tape of one in high school. it had these chimes and other ambient sounds playing under a lady with a soothing voice that would tell me to do these things like flexing all the muscles in my body and then release them and once i did that she escorted me on a mind journey to a magical place. i never got to the end of side a because i'd fall asleep somewhere between the forest and the magical lake.
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