We'll Be Brand-New By Tomorrow

Today I found out that someone I knew when I lived in San Francisco died of a heroin overdose. I wouldn't hesitate to call him a "friend", but I've been known to use that term pretty loosely. And, in fact, I don't even know if his named was spelled "Shawn" or "Sean"...and when I really think about it, if he hadn't died I still probably never would have talked to him again. Still, I'm pretty sad about it. He and I worked at the same restaurant for a while, him as the sous chef and me as the waitress. On slow nights (and there tended to be a lot of slow nights) he and I, and whoever else was working, would joke around, play games (like close your eyes and guess the food I'm putting in your mouth) and listen to music. He had a friendly, baby face that was counteracted by his harsh prison-style tattoos. He missed a couple days of work once because he got put in jail when, after being cited for jaywalking, it came up that he had a warrant out for stealing a firetruck.

When I got the news of his death from C, the same thing popped into my head that always does when I hear of anyone I know dying; "I wish I had known so I could have done something". This thought appears whether or not the person died of something that anyone could have done anything about; my two ex's and high school best friend who all died in car accidents?, if I had known, I could have warned them to be careful (and not to drive drunk in two of their cases). I'm aware that I place heavy burdens upon myself, but I have an active imagination and I like it that way. I'm also fully aware of how ironic it is that there are people in my life about whom I may one day say "I wish I could have done something", yet I have no idea how to help them now.

On an equally self centered note, and possibly because I was feeling a little down to begin with, the news of my friend's death also made me realize that there's going to be a time when the only contact I have with C and the people we knew as a couple, are going to be a result of something shocking, or tragic, and once in a while, happy.

"Get her!!! She's getting away!!!"

I'm going to ignore my irrational fear that I'm somehow jinxing it by blogging about it, because technically, it's too late to jinx it...but really, it's never too late. What am I blathering about?...I got a room...in a house in Silverlake...with two really cool roommates...and a huge backyard with a barbecue pit and fruit trees...and two really cute dogs...and my own teeny-tiny bathroom. Yeah, I'm so happy. The fact that everything seems to be going so well, exactly how I hoped it would be when I finally decided that I had to leave San Francisco and give Los Angeles another shot, makes me sometimes think I'm still sitting in the theater at California Adventure, watching that goddamn Muppet's 3-D movie (if you don't know what I'm talking about, buy me a drink and ask me sometime...it's a good story). I move in the first week of July. I already have my room set up in my mind (the room reminds me of a tree house). Over the weekend I bought an old doctor's lamp. It looks like the kind of lamp that would be in the examination room of a mental institution in the 50's...it's going to be perfect over my bed. Can't fucking wait.

It's Some Kind Of Stupid Rule...That You Can't Ignore

A long weekend of:

-daytime drinking and insanely yummy food at Red Lion
-poignant, insightful, eye-opening conversation with the person who knows me best
-the decision to either gain some damn weight back or just accept the fact that I'm fucking skinny when I'm not in a relationship
-drinks in a dark bar on your birthday with the people who seem to care about you most these days (and feeling happy and special about that)
-making the best pancakes to-date at Micah's house (banana, strawberries & chocolate chips)
-Scooby Do birthday candle stuck in a pancake and making a wish that I think is going to come true (even though I don't believe in wishes)
-being spooned
-slight, still-kinda-drunk hangovers that are annihilated by Eggs Benedict
-Koreatown malls
-buying the cutest vintage-looking sundress (with pockets!) from one of those Echo Park cheapy stores
-getting the chance to wear vintage-looking sundress (with pockets!) to a fun outdoor party complete with a handful of my favorite people, free drinks (which I didn't partake in), ping-pong, and a water slide (which, sadly, I also didn't partake in)

...has cleared my head and made me feel like myself again. Who me?, happy???...why yes, I am.

Insert Song Lyric Here That Makes Reference To A "Home"...But Not From The Song 'Our House' by Madness Because That Would Be Too Obvious

I haven't lived on my own (with roommate, without boyfriend) since I was about 20. Living with the boyfriend was great, better then I thought it would be, but living with roommates didn't go so well for me. I blame it on my naivety, as well as my choice of roommates, though. I am now in the process of looking for a place to live...but I don't just want a "place to live", I want a home. Because everything else in my life has gone pretty smoothly since I moved back to LA (car, job, school, friends), I don't doubt that I'll find a perfect fit for my living situation...but in the mean-time, I'm dying to move out of my grandma's house, and into my home.

I feel like my life hasn't really been able to start, like I've been in sort-of a limbo, because I have no clue where I'm going to be calling home. 85% of all my belongings are packed in boxes, in a garage, and I'm dying to take them out. I've been thinking lately that one's room should be more of a reflection of themselves than, say, their myspace page. Right now, my myspace page tells more of a story about me, and I don't like it that way.

I know it's not healthy to have the "everything will be good when..." mentality (says Annie and Oprah), but I really do feel like my life will be more complete once I've moved into my new room, with all my paintings on the wall, and my books in a bookshelf, and my records out of the box they've been in for the past five years, etc. Then, I can forget the past two-ish months, and start fresh. Here is a list of things I'm looking forward to regarding my future living situation:

-Socializing with roommate(s). I'm adamant about living with people who I actually LIKE!, and want to hang out with! Someone who I can look forward to finding in the living room when I get home after a long day and watching The Office with, or making dinner with, or whatever.
-Furniture! All the furniture; couch, dressers, mattress...belonged to C, so all I own are decorative type things. I've already been browsing Craigslist, making a mental image of what my future room will look like, and what things I'll need to buy to complete it.
-A big bed, all to myself...with huge pillows and an insanely wonderful down comforter. *sigh*, can't wait.
-Cooking. Since I moved here, I've done very little cooking. My mom makes dinner every night (yet I've lost weight, wtf?) and she gets nervous when I cook. I adore cooking and baking, and I consider it one of my creative outlets. I plan on having a lot of people over for dinner, once I'm settled.
-Poker night? For some reason, I've got it in my head that I want to start playing poker again...everyone I've mentioned this to has seemed very interested...so yeah, poker night.
-Another thing that's really important to me is living in, or in bike riding distance to, a lively neighborhood. A coffee shop where the barista knows what I drink? A dark but charming bar where I can take out-of-town friends to? A couple yummy restaurants?...yes please!
-Basically, just doing regular "house" things...things that people who actually have a place to live take for granted; studying at my desk. reading on my bed with Elvis curled up at my feet. cleaning (but not doing the dishes, I hate dishes). having friends over and being proud of my home.

I don't really know how to end this entry. Today's my 27th birthday and in two hours I'm having lunch with C. We haven't seen each other since I moved away from SF...I'm nervous about it and my mind is a little occupied right now. Esh.

If I Could Settle Down, Then I Would Settle Down

The first night of my self-imposed exile from "going out" serves as an example of exactly how I want to spend my free time. I guess I should be more clear as to what I mean by "going out"...but instead of explaining what I don't want, I'll tell you about last night and then maybe you'll get it.

At around 8:30 I was picked up by Luke. Now, this may sound like no biggie, but in actuality, it was a huge deal. Luke was my best friend/favorite person when I was 13-14 years old. We would ditch school together and spend entire days sitting in my patio, smoking, and talking, drinking when we could find it, and listening to music. Luke got me into some of the music, and shared the kind of intellectual conversation with me, that ended up shaping me into the adult that I am today. He was poignant, insightful, rude, troubled, sometimes selfish, and we shared that "everything already sucks" mentality that I had trouble finding in my peers. Once I got into high school, we stopped hanging out. Before last night, I hadn't seen him in years. I was hesitant in tracking him down because of the fear that he was dead, and I just couldn't have handled that. But I did and he wasn't. Anyway, we went to Annie's show at some after-party for an art thing at a huge furniture store, and it was just as pretentious as it sounds. Luke and I quickly realized we had the same insecurities, and ended up sitting in a faux living room, sharing the same insightful, exciting conversation I remember from when I was young...minus the rude and sometimes selfish part. Hanging out with Luke last night restored my faith that decent, like minded, overly sensitive people still exist.

After Luke dropped me off at home (after a failed attempt to see Knocked Up), I headed over to Micah's on the insistence of Miss Alie. Hanging out at Micah's house consisted of; making banana pancakes(me in a kitchen making everyone food is my favorite thing to do at parties now, for real), drinking champagne(most of which I spilled on Alie), laughing a lot, watching in awe as Drew fucking owned Trivial Pursuit(seriously, that guy should be on Jeopardy) and basically enjoying a comfortable, no pressure night around a bunch of really cool, friendly people.

Instead of my original plan to forfeit my birthday this year, I just want an equally awesome night please.